I think a lot about feeling insulted
Every time I feel my feathers take on an unpleasant ruffling, I often become troubled with the disturbance, knowing how much meticulous work it sometimes takes to unruffle, or calm, them. And so I will sit with myself in disarray as a result of another person’s remarks or actions, or even simply just an occurrence that has naturally taken place in my environment, having nothing to do with anyone. I could sit there, unable to return back to my pre-ruffled state, wasting away the quality of my day.
Much of the disappointment now comes from the fact that these “feathers” had already been in place to an extent. They had been calm-ish and arranged. Much of the irritation comes from the fact that it feels like I am minding my own business, going about my day trying to assess and balance all of my tasks and interactions in the most appropriate manner, thinking of everything, considering everything, preparing for everything (to the best of my ability). And still…I experience a ruffling, a disarrangement within my mood, a feeling of offense taken upon myself from others in sometimes the slightest of ways. Sometimes I experience offense taken upon myself not from an individual, but the space that surrounds me. And I will look through the space and ask: Why me? Why today on this good day? Why did this occurrence have to come and steal it away from me? Why can’t (why won’t) I unruffle my feathers? Why do I leave them? Why do I carry my irritations with me?
And so it is in this moment, when I begin to look toward myself, trying to understand why I respond to stressors the way I do, that I begin to shift from thinking about the offense and the offender (whether it be a person or space itself) and move toward self-healing/self-freeing introspection. I begin to accept that my feathers have been ruffled out of the pre-existing state they were in before, and then I begin to inspect them. Moments of disarray gift me an opportunity to examine myself instead of ruminating, often excessively thinking, about why a person or the space around me has chosen to target me, to any degree. The act of inspecting myself is sometimes the moment I go back through, slowly brushing those feathers back down, regaining my calm.
Sometimes it is the most simple and subtle things that ruffle me the most. My rumination often leads me to question and measure my value in someone else’s mind. I find myself hypothesizing: If I were more valuable or worth more in this person’s mind, then I wouldn’t have been slighted or insulted in such a way. And then I move on to: Why does this person think less of me? I thought I had everything covered…I spend time considering everything and everyone, including myself. I let those considerations guide my daily decisions to balance respect and peace among those who surround me without sacrificing my own respect and peace. I thought I had at least a little of this life figured out. But then I am reminded that I can never truly figure out what drives and motivates another person to do and say the things they do until I turn inward and inspect my own self.
I no longer wish to think so much about feeling insulted by someone or something. I am not to be overly concerned with why someone may have slighted me (or my perception of being slighted). I am to be concerned with why I internalize the slight the way I do and use that as an opportunity to discover and develop myself more, so that I can enjoy living to the best of my ability while I still have the chance.